We Have Today
by Regularamanda
Summary: All they had was today, he wasn't going to take it for granted. Lots and Lots of Angst. sort of AU. Sam and Jack Established.


_Author's Note- I finally was able to get around to this. This was inspired by a comment made on one of my stories by samfan9, thanks for letting me write this plot bunny! Be warned there's a long of angst in this, tissues might come in handy. Enjoy!_

**We Have Today**

The man in the chair slowly opened his eyes and looked around in an attempt to get his bearings. Upon seeing the woman in the bed, he instantly knew exactly where he was. He was in a private room in the infirmary at the SGC. He watched the rise and fall of her chest, the movement assuring him that she was alive and well.

His bad knee protested as he got up off the chair and walked to her side.

"Wakey Wakey Dorothy." He said as he leaned down and placed a kiss on her lips. Her blue sapphire eyes blinked up at him.

"You okay?" He said worriedly.

"I'm fine Jack." She said with a roll of her eyes.

She pushes herself up into a sitting position. "Can you help me over to the chair?" She asks.

He swallows but does as she asks. It's slow going because they have to take the heart monitor with her. He helps her over to the chair and sits down in it, while she sits on his lap. Her arms go around his neck and she puts her face into the side of his neck.

As he holds the woman he loves in his arms, his mind goes back to a few months before. The doctors say they don't know how to help her, that they don't know what's wrong. It's out of their hands, but he refuses to believe it. There must be someone out there, something, that could help her. But the doctors did all they could, her major arteries were slowly shutting down. And he had to sit and watch, powerless to do anything to stop it.

There's one thing that they could try and he knows all he has to do is ask her, and she'll do it. They'll go to the Tok'ra and they'll implant her with a symbiote and there would be a good possibility that it would help her.

But he knows he'll never ask her to.

She'd been through that once already, he'd been through it himself, he didn't want her to do it again. And he knows she doesn't as well.

And as he feels her breath against his neck, he's not sure how he'll go on without her.

He's not even sure he wants to.

For so many years she had been a part of his world, and for too few she'd been the center of it. He knows they hadn't had enough time together, but he was also aware that he could have fifty years with her and that would never be enough. And everyday that passed made him aware of all those years that he could have had with her, if he had retired sooner, if he had gotten reassigned. So many what ifs, so many possible outcomes that could have happened between them.

But they had been doing their duty, to their country, to the people that they had sworn to protect. And for once he wasn't sure it was worth it.

He glanced down at her, wanting to memorize every part of her, so that he'd never forget. She was etched into every fiber of him, into his heart, mind and soul. And nothing would ever change that.

He has every intension of going back to that cabin and living like a hermit for the rest of his life. But he knows even there he won't be able to escape her memory. She's every bit a part of that cabin as he is. Her clothes hang in the closet, her books line the book shelves and her scent clings to the sheets. He knows that fishing will never bring the same kind of peace that it once did. It would only serve to haunt him and remind him of her.

Her fingers play with the ends of the hair at the base of his neck, and with every stoke of her fingers, his pain increases tenfold.

"Jack…" She whispers to him.

"Yeah?"

"When I'm…" She trails off and swallows. "When I'm…not here anymore." She starts to say.

"Stop. You're going to make it." He says his eyes not meeting hers.

"Jack." And she uses his name the same way that she used to say sir, and she has no clue what it does to him.

"I want you to move on."

He laughs bitterly at that, knowing he'll never be able to move on. There will never be another her.

"God damn it. I know _you. _And I know what this will do to you. You'll close yourself off from everyone and everything. I don't want you to do that because of me." She says.

And he wonders if she has any idea about how much he loves her, if she has any clue to the extend of the pain that he's in. But he knows she doesn't, because he never lets her see that side of him.

"Sam…look at me."

She tilts her head to look at him and pulls back slightly at the look in his eyes. The pain there, the tears glistening in his brown eyes, is her undoing. Her hands go to his shirt and she rests her head on his chest, her hands filled with the fabric of his shirt. His arms crush her to him, knowing he can protect her from anything if she was in his arms. Except for the one thing that was slowly killing her. He'd like nothing more then to hold her in his arms for all time, but he knows that's not to be.

For so long he had always thought that he'd be the first one to go, never her. He was sixteen years her senior, it should be him in that infirmary bed, not her.

Five years was too short.

That's as long as he would have had with her and he knows it's killing him inside. He doesn't want to accept it, but as each day passes and he sees her getting weaker and weaker he knows that he can't deny it any longer.

He lays his cheek on the top of her head and breathes in her scent. It's distinctly her, a scent that can't be bought in a store but is instead a combination of flowers and soap. Fresh and clean and so completely her.

And he knows exactly what losing her will do to him. He knows that she's completely right and he'll pull away from everyone. He'll become one of those cold and hard men, who no one wants to be around. And he knows without her, his life isn't much of a life at all. He'll go through the day to day, but his life would be empty. Maybe he'd laugh at something that someone would say, maybe his smile would return. But the smile would never reach his eyes and his laugh would never completely return.

Every hour those nurses come in to check her vitals and every time they quietly slip back out. None of them look him in the eye, because even they are aware of how completely devastated he is.

She pulls back slightly from his grasp and she raises a hand to lay it against his cheek, her thumb stroking it.

"We might not have tomorrow…but we have today." She whispers to him as she leans forward and touches her lips to his.

Once more he chocks back his emotions, because he wants so much more than just today with her. He wants tomorrow and the next day, everyday, for forever. He is all too aware that he can't have that.

His own hand finds its way up into her hair and all he cares about at the moment is the kiss. And he deepens it because that's all that matters. He kisses her like it's their last, and he puts every depth of his feeling for her into it. After a few minutes he pulls back.

"We have today." He whispers to her.

It's never enough time. _Forever_ wouldn't be enough. But if that's all they have, he knows he's not going to waste it. Because next year, next month, next week might be the end.

He knows that he'll kiss her longer, hold her in his arms more often, listen to her when she says something and cherish every moment he has with her.

All they have is today, and today is over in an instant. Tomorrow was uncertain. But today, this moment, he had with her.

One thing was certain though. The memories would fade, the pictures would tear, but love was something that never faded over time. It grows and evolves but when it is thought to come to an end, it stays long buried, in the heart, in the ones that loved and the ones whose hearts it touched, always.

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_Author's Note- Thanks for reading and if you liked it let me know._


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